Detective Conan – RANT

“Doctor, I have a problem… no, it doesn’t have anything to do with the lower part of my body. It’s a different kind of a problem – if I wanted to briefly describe it – it’s like a constant never ending deja vu. Right now I’m feeling like we had this conversation, time and time again… it’s maddening, please help me Doc. There is a cure, really? What? There are also bad news? You’re buying yourself a new BMW? I’ happy for you but what has that got to do with… let me guess, I’ paying for it.”

My first encounter with “Detective Conan” (a.k.a. “Case Closed”)was the anime aired on a certain anime-friendly nazi channel, RTLII. Unfortunately, being anime-friendly also included pseudo-anime and those series with 100+ episodes. A mixed bag with “Detective Conan” and “One Piece” saving the day at the end.

Anyway, the summery:

Shinichi Kudo is a 17-year-old high school prodigy who frequently helps the police to solve cases. During an investigation, he is attacked by two criminals, codenamed Gin and Vodka, from the syndicate called the Black Organization. They force him to ingest an experimental poison, APTX 4869, which is supposed to kill him, and leave him to die. A rare side-effect of the poison, however, transforms Kudo’s body into that of a child instead of killing him.

Adopting the pseudonym Conan Edogawa, Kudo hides his identity to investigate the Black Organization. He intends to pretend to be a child until he can find enough evidence to apprehend the syndicate, after which he can then safely find and administer a cure for his current condition.

Now it’s time for some incoherent rambling, where do I start? Hmm, might as well go with the main problem this series experiences, mainly – IT CAN’T FUCKING END – it has been stretched beyond any boarders of reason and consistency (this isn’t a statement, it’s a fact).

“DC” has an episodic structure, like most criminal shows each episode (there are also a few multi-parters) represents a different case. Mostly murder but not only – thanks to this this anime gets not as much boring as repetitive somewhere around ep.300 and not ep.100. Furthermore, there is the story arc with the “Black Organization”.

Now let me tell you something about the story arc – it’s drown in so much filler that it could make a London Class Heavy Cruiser float without a problem. If you want to experience this phenomen in it’s purest form go read the manga, how long can you last before you start fast-forwarding all the murder cases to get to the only interesting stuff, that would be the Black Organization and the duels with Master Thief Kid.

Damn it, at first it was really fun to watch. The general concept of the mysteries was solid (to say the truth it still is but after seeing a similar case for the fifth hundred time there really is no excuse to not get tired of it), there was even some character development I can easily recall – like in that episode at the beginning where the ongoing motive was Beethoven’s “Piano Sonata No. 14″ popularly known as the “Moonlight Sonata”. Unfortunately, such moments are covered under a pile of preaching instead some meaningful maturing of the main protagonist.

Anyway, the “Black Organization” – as the name suggests – is a “low profile” (read: secret) international crime syndicate dealing in everything that brings big bucks – assassination, blackmail, corporate espionage etc. Conan/Shinichi’s first meeting with them ends almost tragically for him as can be read in the summary. His second meeting (now in a body of a child) is a bit more subtle. Well, that depends if you can call a bomb on the famous Shinkansen a.k.a. Bullet-Train subtle.

Ok, lets check what the “How to be an Evil Secret Crime Organization 101″ has to say about this. The chapter we are looking for is… umm… here it is… How to keep your secret organization secret – when trying to kill a person make sure it doesn’t look like an assassination. Preferred scenario: car accident, heart failure, suicide. What you shouldn’t do under any circumstance is to try to use high-explosives in a public place. This will attract national and international attention. You will have every police asset looking for you and they will find you.

That’s one major shot-yourself-in-the-foot right there at the beginning. Funnily, this in not my main complain… at least not in this paragraph. My main complaint right now is about how much solid clues Conan/Shinichi finds out about the Organization through those scarce episodes that deal with the main story arc. That would be what? Code-names, a telephone number and a identity of a person that seem to be an Immortal. It’s fucking pathetic.

What is even more pathetic is the excuse Conan/Shinichi’s uses for not telling the police about his “condition” and it’s cause. It basically goes something like this: “I can’t tell the police about this because as soon as they start looking into it the “BO” will find out what really happened and they will kill me and those close to me”. It’s so stupid it’s not even funny.

First of all, I understand the effort to operate in the shadows when you are outnumbered and outgunned. The problem here is that your opponent is also covered by the shadows. Engaging them on their turf and in similar conditions is not a good tactic. Why? Because you are not facing an equal opponent.

This another thing that baffles me about Conan/Shinichi. For someone as righteous, he doesn’t understand that by not being aggressive enough towards “BO” people die. The more time passes the more people perish because one “smart” detective can’t find enough ruthlessness to directly engage scum who kill without a second thought. Furthermore, apparently he is also oblivious to the stakes he himself bet on this game, by stakes I mean the lives of his parents, friends and lover.

Dude! The moment you fuck up it’s over and not only for you! So pull your head out of your ass and let the fools that stand before you be destroyed! (Ahem, sorry. Been recapping “Slayers” lately). Don’t know how to start? How about pulling them out of the shadows they relay so much on? How? Get proof that they exist. Oh yeah, right, they don’t leave any evidence besides a trail of bodies. Hmm, that could actually be what people call poetic justice… kill them.

That’s right, neutralize them, plant “evidence” of who they are. After that call that Inspector you are friends with, give him a few other “pointers”. If the cops are really thick go along with the “anonymous tip”. You’re smart, you will think of something. Not to mention as more “BO” operatives come into town and opportunities arise.

One other thing that I wanted to say. What motivated me enough to write all this was not the anime or manga alone. It normally would just lay there in the “not giving enough shit to rant about” if… if not for the 13th movie – “The Raven Chaser”. It’s like somebody wanted to deliberately troll the audience by taking the “DC” to the EXTREME, will at the same time locking the setting in the basement. The highlight of the movie was probably the moment when four “BO” agents appeared in something that looked like a bastard child of a AH-64 and CH-54 (What, the Ruskis suddenly stopped their year-round sale of military hardware? Buy yourself a fucking Mi-24!) and started gunning down one of the highest structures in the city. Because this is what secret crime syndicates do, they use an attack-chopper to kill one dude. Fucking showoffs.

Trivia – there are currently 608 eps. of “Detective Conan”, lets assume that a case (episode) occurs every three days, simple calculation – 608*3=1824/365,25=5. That’s FIVE fucking years. Don’t you think someone is leaving himself too much time? If Kudo won’t hurry the fuck up he won’t need that cure to grow up. Or will he? It seems the time in this universe doesn’t flow, or it flows very, very slowly.