Mobile Suit Gundam 0083: Stardust Memory – RANT

Once I got this urge to see some space-opera and the problem was that I pretty much saw everything Non-Macross/Non-Gundam. By “everything” I mean everything that is not total shit.

The most basic thing when searching for a “recommendation” is to ask the right people. By that time I was an active resident of one of the chans (if God would exist I would beg him for forgiveness). I came to a conclusion that the guys on the “Mecha” board should know best… right? Wrong. One of the first people who responded said that Stardust is probably the best what the Gundam series has to offer, he even mentioned that it’s “Top Gun” plus some other masterpiece (I really can’t recall what it was). Till this day I still wonder, was this guy trolling me?

Well, I can’t say that I don’t have any experience with the Gundam series. I watched “Wing” and “0080: War in the Pocket”. Wing was okay for what it was – a bunch of teenagers riding mecha. While 0080 was quite good, with the end to my liking.

WhiskeyWolfs short history of the “Gundam” universe.

Once upon a time people went into space and started living in colonies, Earth cough the Douchebag Virus and started selling tea at higher prices. Well, some of the colonists commented: “That’s bullshit!” and “We want Independence!” – you know, the usual stuff. After a few years the “Zeon” (consisting of the colonies in “Site 3″. There are eight Sites altogether, plus some colonies on asteroids and moons) has managed to build an army. Confident in their power they attacked the Earth Federations garrisons in sites 1,2,4… their brilliant plan – probably titled “Saddam Husains Special” – was based all around eliminating most of the EF forces with toxic gas. Right now most normal people (Russian Generals not included) will see a certain “obstacle”, mainly the colonists that live there. Well, Zeon soldiers said “fuck that shit” and went on with the plan anyway. In the first day 2,8 billion civilians that lived in the colonies died – excuse me for the immature expression but “LOL Zeon”. If that wouldn’t be enough for the first week there was still “Operation British” (a plan to destroy the Federation’s central military command at Jaburo in South America. Because the EF base was underground and nukes couldn’t do shit here, so Zeon thought out a different method. A colony drop… they would use a depopulated colony cylinder – by “depopulated” Zeon meant that they used some awesome nerve gas on the people living there so they wouldn’t stop them in their glorious quest for FREEDOM, I wonder if a thought cross their minds that maybe…just MAYBE…they are overdoing this a bit). The colony managed to reach the earth and enter the atmosphere. Of course the calculations didn’t cover the issue that the EF forces may shoot at the cylinder and make a few holes in it. So what? A few errors here and there, nothing serious, it’s not like we will miss our target and hit Sydney by accident killing 10 million people… oh wait. Not to mention that the impact will cause tsunamis, earthquakes and other shit resulting in half of earths population dying in the process. Besides, when did we care about casualties? If Zeon would manage to hold their genocide pace they would annihilate humankind by the end of next Sunday… unfortunately the Douchebags from EF got their act together and counter attacked stopping another colony drop. The war lasted a year (“One Year War”) and ended with the victory of Earth Federation, although “victory” may not be the right word to use here.

I will not shit you people, I force myself to watch 0083 till the end …it was only 13 episodes for fuck sake and it still felt like an eternity.

As you may have already guessed it’s the year 0083 after the colonization, so something like 3 years after the war. Some dudes from Zeon that are still alive (actually Zeons remaining forces are only a shadow of it’s former glory but they still can pack a punch) come to a conclusion that it’s time to commemorate their fallen comrades by going into a gogo-bar and getting themselves seriously drunk… well, not exactly. Their plan leans more in the direction of killing woman and children, but hey! Who am I to judge them, right?

So Zeon was planing their operation nicknamed “Stardust” when an information came in that EF was gonna test two new Gundams on earth, one equipped with a nuke. They thought: “This shit may come in handy, let’s steal it”. There was only one man capable to complete this mission, the ace pilot Lieutenant Commander Anavel Gato… “Gato”, sounds badass.
The test pilot for one of the Gundams is Ensign Kou Uraki, a 19 year old test pilot – imagine a typical young boy who was recruited by the army, that’s him, quite a likeable character… until Gato enters the stage and starts spiting his bullshit ideologies and what is important in a soldiers life etc. Of course this has a great impact on Uraki, makes him all confused… HEY GATO! Stop corrupting the youth with the crap that started this whole mess will ya!
So Gato manages to leg it into space, The ship Albion with Uraki on board goes after him.

At this point I noticed something very disturbing, something that also occurred in both “Mai Hime” mangas. I don’t think there is a proper name for this situation… hmm, lets call it “The Pussification of the Main Male Hero” (TPMMH) for the time being, shall we? This condition arises when for some reason the character around our hero start lecturing him how he is childish, lacks motivation, should grow up, generally man the fuck up… yes, yes I know this is the usual stuff when you deal with pussy main characters. The problem here is that Uraki by no way is a pussy-boy-scout. He went there, faced Anavel “Nightmare of Solomon” Gato (he may be a fag but he has the skill, you don’t get a nickname “Nightmare” for sitting on your ass) and came back alive. What do those people want from him, you don’t become a Nordic god shooting lightnings from your ass after just a few fights, give this kid a freaking break.

But let’s get back to the main story. So Zeon obtained a Gundam with a nuke, which obviously means that something is up. So now the Earth Federation is on high alert ready for anything what Zeon might throw at them… well not exactly, apparently after the war they became even bigger douchebags (I know, incredible. You think that people who survived a conflict that consumed half the humanity would either have the brain, skill or fucked lady luck one to many times… once someone said that “victory is never bestowed upon arrogant people”, well it’s not the case here) and now they can’t be assed about some trivial things. Instead some battle anniversary comes up and they have to make a fleet meet, a large part of the EF space ships clusterfuck in one place making a perfect sitting duck… oh shit… (mind you nukes are almost useless without an atmosphere, only heat and radiation is generated).

Now that most Federation ships are busy trying to put themselves together Gato makes his way back to the main Zeon forces to start “Operation Stardust”. So now I want you to take a wild fucking guess what this whole operation is on about… remember, the great minds of the Federation don’t have a bloody idea what will happen. How about you? And the answer…

*dramatic pause*

…a colony drop. Now who could see that one coming. Hey, it’s not like they didn’t try this… twice. Not to mention that there is a brand new colony just waiting for them along the way – the maintenance crew will be glad to exchange it for some lead.

When the final, big battle starts, my favorite moment comes. One of the Zeon fleets (“Cima”) betrays and reviles that they are a EF Spy… wait, what? Is this some kind of a “last minute betrayal”? If they were a spy did the Federation exactly know about all this, if so why did they let this slaughter happen, a whole fleet could probably alone sabotage the whole operation so it would never start, if so… AAAAARRRRRGGGGG!!! I can’t fucking take it anymore, who wrote this shit? This universe is totally fucked up, I know the military people are usually douchebags but COME ON.

Last example, there is this guy Kelly, an ex-Zeon soldier living in one of the colonies. You could say he’s retired per se. So long story short – this guy lives with a young hot babe (believe me, she wanted him badly) and had a chance to sell his “death-toy” (something that he was left with when the One Year War ended) for big $$$. But instead he was to butthurt about surviving the war and apparently had something against living. He died from Ensigns Uraki hand. Wikipedia snip:

Kelly Layzner is a former Zeon lieutenant who fought alongside Gato during the One-Year war, ultimately losing his left arm. When Kou is beaten up by hoodlums in Von Braun City, Kelly helps him recover his mental faculties and the two become friends. However, the two of them are well aware that if they meet in battle, they will have no choice but to fight each other.

The laws of self-preservation in the Gundam universe work backwards – here dying is more important then fucking – what a sad world.

In conclusion I could say it’s rather shitty, but unfortunately this anime was made in the ’90 so it really makes me wonder about the quality of the story. I don’t plan on watching anything with the Gundam title in it made after 2000, the thought that the story and presumably the characters (emo-kiddies) are going to be a lot worse… well, it just boggles the mind. Of course this will stand until proven otherwise.